So, in the wake of what has become known as the Holidaze around here, I granted myself some quiet time. It took a good two weeks for the 2011 train to slow down. The weather didn’t cooperate, pretending for the first five weeks of 2012 to be March. But by the third week in January, resigned to 60 degree daytimes and therefore no mesmerizing fires into which to stare, no quietly drifting snows to help blank out all the unecessaries, I got quieter anyway. The calendar cleared for a week, the partner willing to bring home groceries at the end of the day, the car firmly parked, I began to more deeply exhale.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I wasn’t alone. I was being followed. From the moment I woke until I drifted off at night, I had company. He was male, definitely. He had a tight little mouth, was about my height, my weight, my shoe size, short hair and glasses. Always with him he had a clipboard, always. On it were a series of forms that he seemed to consulting. Periodically, he would mark things off and when page was finished, that one would get tucked under the others, edges perfectly aligned and a new form poised for completion.
I never got a good look at the categories, or the questions, but from what he kept saying to me, perhaps we can guess. He wanted to know, rather constantly:
1. Are you sure this is a good use of your time?
2. Are you sure this is the most efficient way to do this?
3. Other people are going to jobs they absolutely hate, right now, how do you justify this laziness?
4. Is there not something more productive you could be doing right now?
5. What are you going to have to say for yourself at the end of this day?
6. Etcetera.
7. Etcetera
Hmmm. Once I realized he was there, and that I had employed him, I was able to at least get him to turn down the volume a bit by the end of that week. I tried to fire him but he insisted that wasn’t the way it worked, that the only way he could leave would be for me to realize something that I hadn’t yet acknowledged.
Hmmm. What I’d like is not have him be in charge. He’s worked a long time, deserves a retirement. I’d like to have the freedom to move through these gifts of coming days without what feels like such harsh measurement. I’ve asked him to move to the sidelines, allow me more room to maneuver, more space to breathe. Right now, he’s willing to be flexible. But I know him, if I get too busy, he gets more insistent.
We’ll see. Wish me luck.
I think Aunie M should give him a piece of her mind to put him in his proper place! The nerve?
ReplyDeleteBrilliant idea! Since August, Auntie M has been on vacation with her new boyfriend. She thought he was the Earl of Something (because he told her he was.) Turns out he is just plain Earl. In fact, he may be a distant cousin. . .or maybe not so distant. We're looking into it.
DeleteShe'll be home soon. . .
Love your ability to bring humor in to the inner sanctum of the identity game. Helps the rest of us to add a dose of that humor to our own forays!
ReplyDelete"Say, Pooh, why aren't you busy?" I said.
ReplyDelete"Because it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"But you could be doing something Important," I said.
"I am," said Pooh.
"Oh? Doing what?"
"Listening,"he said.
"Listening to what?"
"To the birds. And that squirrel over there."
"What are they saying?" I asked.
"That it's a nice day," said Pooh.
"But you know that already," I said.
"Yes, but it's always good to hear that somebody else thinks so, too," he said.
From The Tao of Pooh